For The Reels

Remember four weeks ago when I said I might have to institute a bi-weekly schedule?  Well, looks like this is the off-week!

Last week I spent all my time doing wedding/bachelor party stuff.  And this week I get married.  So times are crazy right now!  Luckily though, JN was cool enough to make a Behind-The-Scenes strip this week (and maybe next week?).

So for this blog update, I thought I share with all of you the details of the awesome, awesome bachelor party I had last Saturday.  First, me and 18 other dudes went paintballing at an outdoor place in Dacono, CO.  It was raining pretty good at first, so for the first game I slipped in the mud, got shot, tried to jump to my feet and run, slipped again, dropped my extra ammo canister, got shot again, stood up, tried to pick up my ammo canister, got shot again, got pissed, got shot again, then left the field to get more paint.  After that, though, the rain cleared up and I had a lot of fun.  They had a real downed helicopter there that we got to defend in one scenario, and a two story building built like the alamo.  I got shot point-blank in the back by my little brother Jordan which left a huge bruise, and promptly ran away from my team when I heard they were about turn on me and do a “bachelor send-off.”  They did manage to shoot me in the chest, ass, and arm, but at least I didn’t end up with leopard-like bruises all over my back like Jon did at his bachelor send-off.

After paintball we went to my future parents-in-law’s house were we drank.  I spent the week before the party building a super sick beer pong table with my best man John.  We made it look exactly like a basketball court, polished and all.  I had bought some orange ping pong balls and marked them to look like tiny basketballs.  One of my friends brought his beer pong table too, so we had a nice tournament going.  I won the first game I played, but lost the next two, so needless to say I was kind of drunk. ‘Cause in addition to that I had a few gin drinks and people kept wanting to take shots with me.  I’m kind of a lightweight when it comes to drinking.  Someone gave me a cigar and I threw up trying to smoke it.  And then I threw up in the bathroom again right before the arrival of the strippers my future brother-in-law ordered.

The strippers were ok.  One was a blonde and one was a brunette, and both were super tan.  One thing I didn’t know about strippers was how much they love money.  It cost $400 just to order them and they’re constantly asking for more money for the duration of the show.  It was a freaky experience for me (not just because I thought I might puke again at any moment) because as the bachelor, I was obligated to subject myself to things you wouldn’t do to a dog.  They laid me down, took off my shirt and put lotion on my chest.  They then had the guys stick their $1 bills to my chest, which soon evolved to slamming the bills onto my chest and even slamming one on my face, which hurt.  My friends are dicks.  The chicks eventually did get all the way naked and they did stick candles in their hoo-hahs, which you couldn’t really see because all the lights were turned off.  And, again, I was really drunk.

After the strippers left, I spent the rest of my night in the hot tub outside.  It was like that movie Hot Tub Time Machine but without all the time travel.  And someone stole my clothes, so I had to try and find them in my boxers and it was freezing.  My fiance drove us home and I passed out pretty quickly.  All in all, I’d say it was a pretty awesome day.